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For my money, NFL players are the most insane athletes in all of sports. They play a sport which puts their body through the equivalent of several car accidents on a weekly basis. These players endure concussions, broken bones, torn ligaments, dislocated extremities, and an assortment of various sprains, bumps, and bruises to provide entertainment for people like me and you. (This next statement is extremely hypocritical, but it’s my honest opinion). Football is the dumbest sport ever created. Sometimes while watching a game, I ask myself, “What type of sick individual came up with this sport?” I really wonder who was sitting home one day and decided to place people on two different teams and give them a funny shaped ball (which isn’t nearly as cool as the big red all-purpose ball from elementary school) and tell one team to try to get to a goal and tell the other team to prevent them from getting there by any means necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I love this sport (particularly the NFL) much more than any other sport, and I am forever grateful to the players that play it for providing me with 21 weeks of the best entertainment in the world each and every year. That being said, I think each and every one of them are clinically insane for playing a sport that will undoubtedly affect their quality of life at some point.
Players arrive at training camp each summer with two things on their mind. Number one is money. Every NFL player is always trying to get a new contract, justify their current contract, or rob their team blind by getting paid as much as possible for producing absolutely nothing (shoutout to JaMarcus Russell). Once they are done thinking about their current or future financial situation, their attention moves to the second thing on their mind, trying to win a championship. All 32 teams begin training camp focused on being one of the 12 remaining at the end of the season that earns the opportunity to compete in the playoffs for a trip to the Super Bowl. Players on the 20 non-playoff teams try their best to cope with the fact that they simply weren’t good enough.
The top four playoff teams all have a bye, which lets them rest up for a week before hosting the winners of this week’s wild card games. Who will win this week’s games? I’m glad you asked, because I now present to you, my picks for all four of this weekend’s games.
Bengals vs. Texans
For the first time in franchise history, the Houston Texans will be playing a playoff game. Also for the first time in franchise history, the Houston Texans will lose a playoff game. If Matt Schaub were healthy and playing in this game, I would pick the Texans in a rout. If I had any confidence in Andre Johnsons hamstring that forced him to sit out nine games this season, I would pick the Texans in a close game. However, Matt Schaub is out and no one knows if Johnson will be able to finish the game. The Texans will be starting rookie TJ Yates, and his back-up will be everyone’s favorite interception machine, Jake Delhomme. The Texans will still be able to run the ball relatively well, but I feel as though the Bengals simply have the better team. This will be a low scoring game because both teams have really good defenses and will be starting rookie quarterbacks. Cincinnati has the better of the two rookie QB’s in Andy Dalton. He also has AJ Greene (the skinny Andre Johnson) to throw to, which means that they will have the ability to make the big play when it is needed in the fourth quarter. Cedric Benson, the most consistently mediocre running back in the NFL, will have his typical 84 yard rushing day with no touchdowns.
Prediction: Bengals 17 – Texans 13
Falcons vs. Giants
These are two very evenly matched teams. This should be a very good football game, with the outcome decided late. I really feel bad for both Eli Manning and Matt Ryan in this game, because they both play behind somewhat suspect offensive lines, and will be facing ferocious pass rushers in John Abraham (Falcons), Justin Tuck (Giants), and Jason Pierre-Paul (Giants). Fortunately for the Falcons they have a strong running back in Michael Turner. Unfortunately for the Falcons, their offensive coordinator (Mike Mularkey) often forgets that Michael Turner is a member of the team. They simply don’t run the ball enough, and I fully expect that trend to continue on Sunday. If this game were being played in Atlanta, I would definitely pick the Falcons. However, this game will take place in New York, which means one thing. Matt Ryan will play like crap. Ryan has lost 19 games in his four years as the QB of the Falcons. Of those 19 losses, 15 of them have been on the road. He simply can’t be trusted outside of 285. Since this game is taking place waaaaaaaaaaay outside of 285, and I simply don’t trust the Falcons offensive line against the Giants defensive, I will be taking the Giants to win this game.
Prediction: Giants 28 – Falcons 24
Steelers vs. Broncos
The fact that the Denver Broncos will be playing against a ferocious defense with a quarterback who is yet to master the forward pass will be a big problem. That is all that is necessary to say about this game.
Prediction: Steelers 24 – Broncos 9
Lions vs. Saints
I intentionally saved this game for last for two reasons. First of all, this is the GAME OF THE WEEK! This game will have offensive stars all over the field. On one side you have Drew Brees who is at the top of his game. His receivers aren’t household names to the casual football fan, but they don’t have to be because his passes are so accurate that they can’t avoid catching it. Even when he misses, he doesn’t miss. His passing skills are the polar opposite of the quarterback that I didn’t mention in the previous paragraph. On the opposite sideline, you will find Matthew Stafford, who threw for over 5,000 yards and 41 touchdowns this season. While Brees spreads the ball around and throws to whoever happens to be open on a particular play, Stafford has been blessed with a receiver that he can throw to whether he is open or not. He goes by the name of Calvin Johnson, a.k.a. The Best Receiver in the League. If you like, you can also start calling him by his newest nickname which he will begin answering to at some point during this off-season when he gets a new contract. That would be Really Rich Black Man. These are two prolific offenses that can and will score on anybody. Therefore, this game will be decided by the defenses. Don’t get me wrong, both teams will score at least 30 and quite possibly 40 points, but one defense will make just enough plays to force the other team to punt more than once, which will be the difference in this game. That being said, the second reason that I chose to discuss this game last is because, it is my UPSET SPECIAL! Detroit has a ferocious pass-rush, and a defense that has a knack for creating turnovers. Therefore, I have more faith in them to make a big play than I do the Saints defense. This will be a high-scoring game that will be fun to watch. I fully expect both defenses to play relatively well, but the offenses are simply better than the defenses in this matchup. This game is scheduled for an 8:20 pm kickoff on Saturday night. Since both teams will throw the ball at least 40 times, and there will be a lot of scoring, expect this game to run to around midnight. Make sure you have plenty of Yuengling (root beer for all of the underage people reading this) is in the fridge, and sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
Prediction: Lions 41 – Saints 35
LSU vs. Alabama
You are probably saying to yourself, “This is a college game, why is it included in the blog about the NFL playoffs?” That would be a good question to ask, if this was actually a college football game. This is actually a NFL game; the players simply aren’t old enough for it to be official. Therefore, they will be representing academic institutions instead. As you all know, I am not a big college football fan. I mostly just watch to see future NFL prospects, which I mostly do through watching clips online so that I won’t have to sit through entire games. Much like the first time they met earlier this season, I will be glued to the television to see this extremely high level of defensive football (which I love) played by clearly the two best college teams in the nation. I look for this to be yet another slug-fest that will be won by the team that scores a non-offensive touchdown. Points will be at a premium in this game, and both teams will certainly play it close to the vest offensively and let it all hang out on the defensive side of the ball. I am convinced that Les Miles has the great Nick Satan (sorry, I meant Saban, I said I was going to stop calling him that) shook. The last time they met, Satan (oops!) sent out both of Alabama’s kickers to attempt a total of three field goals of more than 40 yards. Note to Saban (I got it that time), the vast majority of college kickers are not consistently capable of making field goals longer than 35 yards. The two or three that can, are usually the two are three that get drafted into the NFL each year. Also after watching the first game against LSU, it is clear that you don’t have one of those two or three special kickers. LSU on the other hand, does have one of those special kickers.
The last time they met, LSU used two quarterbacks. They tried to do the politically correct thing and “punish” their real starting quarterback for his participation in an off-season bar fight, by starting his backup. The backup was good enough to have them undefeated leading up to the Bama game, but was clearly overmatched by the Ravens, I mean Crimson Tide defense. Therefore they decided that it’s not a good idea to punish a good player when a game is actually on the line. The fact that this game will decide the National Championship and undoubtedly lead to an even bigger contract for the winning coach, means that the choir boys will be left on the sidelines, and that all previous off-field transgressions will be ignored. Although both teams have really good offenses (against all other opponents), the defenses will again decide the winner of this game. LSU’s defense is simply better. Although Alabama’s defense is statistically better, against a significantly weaker schedule, anyone who has seen these two teams play can clearly see that LSU’s defense is slightly better. That is why the Tigers will be victorious. The good thing for Crimson Tide fans is that Satan (I knew it wouldn’t last) will only attempt one stupid field goal. It will be on the last play of the game with a chance to send it to overtime. Once again, the kicker will miss from 42 yards out and give LSU the victory.
Prediction: LSU 17 – Alabama 14
And now for my Baller & Scrub of the Week….
BALLER – Charles Barkley’s K-12 English Teachers: This award only goes to his K-12 English teachers because I am pretty sure he didn’t go to class regularly at Auburn. Although they taught him very little, if anything at all, Barkley’s English teachers instilled in him a confidence that totally overrides the fact that he speaks on a third grade level. Don’t get me wrong, Barkley is extremely entertaining as a commentator, and I thoroughly enjoy his knowledge of the game, honesty, and comedic presence. However, I also acknowledge that approximately 60% of the things that come out of his mouth are either mispronounced or simply aren’t words. My favorite word to hear him say is athletic. Yes it seems like a basic word to me and you, but Barkley manages to add both an extra “a”, and an extra syllable. So ath-let-ic to me and you is equal to ath-a-let-ic in the mind of Barkley. Once again shoutout to his English teachers for giving him the confidence needed to make a living by speaking, when he can hardly speak the English language.
SCRUB – Greg McElroy: I could write an entire blog about this idiot. It would be titled, “Scrub Speaks: The Quickest Way Out of the NFL.” If you don’t follow Alabama football, live in the state of Alabama, or your last name is McElroy as well, there is a good chance that you have no idea who this guy is. Greg McElroy is the 4th string quarterback of the NY Jets, who was a seventh round draft pick last year, and spent all season on injured reserve. To sum it up, I bet if you asked every member of the Jets if they knew he was on the team, 75% would say NO! The bottom line is in the world of the NFL, he is a nobody. After the Jets season ended in a disastrous fashion, McElroy took it upon himself to channel his inner-Rex Ryan and run his mouth to the media. He appeared on a radio show and basically said (I am paraphrasing) that the Jets were a team full of selfish individuals, that didn’t care if they won or loss. He also said that the players didn’t care about the team and that they were out for themselves. He went on to say that he had never been around such selfish individuals.
I am not in that locker room, so I really can’t attest to the accuracy of McElroy’s comments. If I were a betting man (which I am not), I would bet that he was dead on. I totally believe everything that he said. The problem with his comments is that THEY WERE MADE BY GREG McELROY! He is a player that can be out of the league if Rex Ryan simply allows Darrelle Revis to have two lockers in the locker room instead of one. He does not matter, and chances are when the Jets cut him (which they certainly will) no other team will bother picking him up. He will then have enough free time to persue his true dream job, talking on the radio. He may even get his own show.
Michael Vick and Plaxico Burress can spend time in jail and still get signed by teams. Rashard Mendenhall can make idiotic statements about 9/11, and not get cut. Terrell Owens could curse out coaches, openly question the sexuality of a teammate, and destroy team chemistry at nearly every turn, and still have a roster spot (when he was healthy). Greg McElroy can be cut for buying Krispy Kreme doughnuts for his teammates when the light wasn’t on, so for airing out the team’s dirty laundry on a radio show, he definitely WILL be cut. WHAT AN IDIOT!
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