PEOPLE ARE JUST DIFFERENT DOWN HERE

Everyone who follows college football knows that the Southeastern Conference is by far the strongest conference in the nation. It is home to such traditional powers as Alabama, LSU, and Florida. Even its second tier programs (Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, and Arkansas) are traditionally stronger than most top programs in other conferences. Even though the quality of football is the strongest in the world outside of that Sunday afternoon league, one could argue that the SEC is more well know for the “passion” (and I use that term loosely) of its fans than the actual football being played on the field.

Being born and raised in the South, I realized early in my life that I was a minority. Not because of my race, but because I prefer the NFL over college football. In the mind of most of the people that I have encountered, that is absolute lunacy. Down here, college football is king, and nothing else matters (although NASCAR provides a nice way for some to pass the time until spring practice begins). Those of you reading this that are from non-SEC states may feel that I am exaggerating, but trust me, I am basing these statements on people I know or have interacted with personally. I once worked with a guy who would walk up to me daily and tell me whose colors I was wearing on a particular day. Needless to say, it would always be an SEC school. For instance, if I wore an orange shirt to work, he would say, “Why are you wearing that ugly Tennessee shirt today?” or if I happened to wear burgundy (or crimson), he would make a comment about his hatred for Alabama. I found this hilarious, especially considering the fact that he did not go to an SEC school. What amazes me even more is the fact that outside of Peyton Manning, the die-hard SEC fans rarely follow their favorite players once they move on to the NFL. It’s all about their favorite college team and the players that are currently there.

Although, I think it’s a little silly and have always gotten a kick out of watching the battle for fan supremacy in this region. I can honestly say that it is predominately good natured and light hearted banter between family, friends, or co-workers. That all changed earlier this week.

A lot of colleges have campuses have landmarks that are meaningful to its students, alumni, and the overall sense of community of the campus. On the Auburn campus, that place is Toomer’s Corner. This is where two 130 year old Oak trees reside that serve as the landmark for the celebration of all big football victories. This season, thanks largely to college football’s highest paid player, Auburn celebrated many big victories at this historic landmark. This season, the Auburn faithful managed to see a win over their hated rival (Alabama), a SEC championship win, and a win in the national championship game. Needless to say, Toomer’s Corner was the place to be this year.

Unfortunately for Auburn fans, it was also the place to be for Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr. Updyke is an Alabama fan who was arrested last week for poisoning the 130 year-old Live Oaks on Auburn’s campus with a lethal dose of herbicide. Updyke is no college kid playing a prank on the rival school. THIS MAN IS 62 YEARS OLD! The only thing related to this story that is stupider than a 62 year old man poisoning some trees, is how it was discovered that the poisoning occurred. Apparently Updyke was careful when he committed the crime, because he wasn’t caught in the act. Instead of simply getting away with it and watching the trees die a slow (and what would possibly appear to be a natural) death, this idiot called into the Paul Finebaum Radio Network (dedicated to almost exclusively to SEC sports, which is a brilliant idea) as “Al from Dadeville” to tell of the crime.

I am hoping that by making this phone call he wanted to get caught, because if he thought he would get to brag about this on syndicated radio (where all calls are recorded) and use a form of his real name (Al is short for his middle name of Almorn) and say where he really lives, he is even dumber than I originally thought that he was. Needless to say, the call was traced and he was arrested. He is and should be facing jail time for this crime, with a little bonus time for being a moron.

Just to further prove how intense the rivalry is between Auburn and Alabama, I found it interesting that after this event happened, Alabama immediately began guarding the Bear Bryant (he is Elvis to Alabama football fans) statue around the clock, to avoid what they felt would be retaliation on the part of Auburn fans.

To all of my fellow residents of the southeastern United States, let’s get a little perspective on life and college football’s place in it. It is a fun sport to watch and a nice diversion from real life for 3 or 4 hours each Saturday afternoon or evening in the fall, but it isn’t important enough to go to jail for. If you find yourself condoning the actions of Updyke, thinking about (or have thought about) committing a criminal act to hurt the rival of the school that you root for, or if you are not speaking to someone in your family simply because of their allegiance to another college football team, you should stop reading this blog and seek help immediately. Simply put, IT’S NOT THAT SERIOUS!

The one question that I do have, is whether or not Updyke is an Alabama alum. It is bad enough that he did what he did, but if he did so strictly has a fan with no real ties to the University, that makes it even worse.

This story has led me to a suggestion for the ticket offices at all twelve SEC schools (except for maybe Vanderbilt). When you mail the season tickets to your fans each year, please include a pamphlet highlighting things to do in your town and the surrounding cities when football season is over. This should include such things as museums, theaters, various workshops and classes, and nice restaurants to visit. Basically things that could diversify the interests and hobbies of your fan-bases.

Also,
To the Auburn faithful, I am in no way making light of the love that you have for your campus and your famous landmark. But please stop leaving "Get Well Soon Signs" and flowers on the trees. THEY ARE TREES, they can't read, and I seriously doubt that the flowers are boosting thier spirits because THEY ARE TREES!